the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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