She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
