Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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