We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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