she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
