note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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