i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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