I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
