I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
