so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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