I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So many bounce houses so little time
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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