one two three fourrrrnication!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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