i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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