watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
