I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
