Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
