your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
