I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
