I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
