It's like God shit irony all over that family
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
