So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
