The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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