I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
