I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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