She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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