The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
