i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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