your parents love me but you hate me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
