when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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