Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
