it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
