i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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