Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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