so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
