if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
