Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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