No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
