it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he shaved USA in his pubs
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
