i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
