I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The beer is more important than you right now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
