Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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