At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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