Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
