I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
