My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
