i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
