You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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