My cat gives me a boner
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
