I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Randomize
