Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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