and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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