Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
