ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
