Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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