A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
