I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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