Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
