ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
