Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
