I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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